Of Love, Teacups, and Birthdays
by Kate and Lucy
Summary: It's a very special night... A very special night indeed. Complete with a lame attempt at parody.


A dark figure was coming down the stairs ever so gracefully, as if gliding on air. His magnificent black robes (purchased from the elite "Just Like at a Funeral" store) seemed to be a part of the mysteriously dark dungeon walls. Yes, this was the Potions master himself, Severus Snape; but tonight he would forget everything he ever knew and become the master of Love (because fanfiction writers can make anything happen). His heart was racing faster than a bludger. With a shaking hand he took out the little lilac parchment and stopped for a second to read it yet one more time (kinda like fans keep watching the Azkaban movie trailer over and over again). It read-  
Sevvy! I am a busy woman, a very busy woman indeed, and since the day I felt my  
love for you I had been trying to suppress it, to make it go away, but tonight I gazed into the stars and what I saw made me clean my glasses and  
look again. The stars told me that we are meant to be! That your thin yet oh so sexy  
lips are meant to lock with my dry ones. Dry, yet full of passion.  
Come to my room, darling! I am waiting.  
~Sybil.  
  
'Oh, she has a way with words, that one.' Thought Snape lovingly. Sybil Trelawney was his one true love, he just knew it. However, for a couple of months now he had to endure Granger's pathetic attempts to seduce him. The girl succumbed to pressure from fanfiction authors and believed herself to be in love with him. He had to do something before Potter succumbed too... Snape shuddered at this thought. Well, he wouldn't be thinking about problems. Not tonight anyway, tonight was special. Very special indeed, because it was Neville Longbottom's birthday. Snape only pretended to hate the boy. In fact, if he had been gay, he'd have been in love with Neville instead of Trelawney. However, he wasn't. But Neville's birthday was a special day anyway, since he could have been Snape's one true love. (please pretend that made sense. Thank you). Severus finally reached the bottom of the stairs and then smacked himself on the head. Trelawney's room was all the way up on the tower, but he went ahead and came down the stairs just to make an impressive entrance into the fic. He turned around and started climbing the stairs and muttering something about bloody castles where you can't apparate.  
  
Neville was singing "I feel pretty" rather loudly in the middle of the common room, but everyone (including himself) was pretty drunk by now, so nobody cared, even though normally he'd've had a couple dozen silencing charms put on him by now. Hermione and Ron were kissing on the floor in the corner, and Hermione would occasionally whisper "Severus, darling, I'm so glad you actually came to the Gryffindor common room just to see me." (yes, the resemblance between Ron and Snape is amazing, I assure you.). Ron was in such a state that he actually believed himself to be Snape, so he in turn would occasionally take points from Gryffindor since their top student was making out with a professor. Suddenly, Neville felt a very strange craving for some tea. "I WANT TEA!" he shouted. Since nobody cared enough to knock him out or something (because he obviously reached a dangerous level of drunkenness), Neville came up with the brilliant idea of going up to Trelawney's room, since it was the only place he'd seen tea and teacups.  
  
Snape was panting. He hadn't gotten so much exercise since... well, a long time ago. It got quite hot too, he felt like taking a cold shower. How did the students do this every bloody day? How could they climb so many stairs and then pay attention in class? He looked up and saw that the divination classroom was even higher, but he, thankfully, didn't have to go all the way there. He regained his breath a minute or so later and finally pushed Trelawney's room's door open. The room was dimly lit, with a small lamp in each corner. In the middle of it there was a large mattress on the floor, with Sybil sitting on it, in an odd lacy tank top and a long see-through skirt. Snape couldn't help but think... "Why the hell did she put her 'bed' in the middle of the room?" As if reading this mind, Trelawney said, "The cosmic energy is concentrated in the center of the room, darling. Now come." "Oh, Sibyl, you are so clever! I will never doubt your decisions again." Said Snape, while walking over to the mattress. "That is wonderful, darling! Because you see, the stars told me that in order for us to be happy you have to wear these muggle yellow pajamas with pink stripes." She took them out. They looked worse than their description. Snape was taken aback for a moment, but then he regained his cool (yes, all 6 grams of it). "Do we really need clothes for tonight, Sibyl?" he whispered seductively (hope you have a big, big imagination, people.)  
"But of course we do! Only to take them off though." She answered, while quietly giggling like a schoolgirl. Snape lowered himself onto the mattress. It made a funny noise, but both of them pretended not to hear it.  
"Sibyl, I have come to..."  
"Yes?"  
"To make those dry lips of yours wet," he answered right before capturing her lips with his. She gasped. The moonlight was shining brightly on them, even though there were no windows in the room. Snape's long black robes soon became their blankets and Trelawney's lacey clothes rested on one of the lamps in the corner. Suddenly, they heard a loud crash from upstairs. They froze.  
  
Neville stared at the pile of broken china on the floor. "Oh well, at least you're safe," he said to the little pink teacup in his hands.  
  
"Somebody's in the classroom!" said Trelawney in a rather panicky voice.  
"Why didn't you see this coming?" hissed a rather annoyed Snape.  
"Uh, well, I did.. but the stars, you, me, and.."  
"Well, do you know who is it? I'll take all the points off of their house tomorrow."  
"Unless it's Hagrid again," thought Trelawney, but then said out loud, "That is of no importance right now. But we must hide you." She pushed him out of the bed, ignoring the fact that they were both half naked. There was a rather narrow closet near the door, and that is where she hastily shoved Snape, because footsteps coming to the door could be heard.  
A second later a knock was heard on the door. Trelawney grabbed Snape's pants and attempted to cover herself with them, before opening the door.  
There stood Neville Longbottom. A very drunk Neville Longbottom, hugging a teacup with pink polka dots.  
"What?.."  
"Hello, Professor. I was wondering if you could give me some tea?.. I searched in the classroom, but couldn't find anything."  
"Isn't it your birthday, Neville?" she asked.  
"It is? Oh yea, I think you're right." Without waiting for an invitation, Neville came inside and looked around. He spotted the only closet in the room and walked up to it.  
"I bet this is were you are hiding the precious tea!" he said.  
"No! Wait!" she shouted. "I'll give you something else instead..."  
This actually did stop Neville. "But what can be better than tea?" he asked.  
"Um, well,.." Trelawney was lost.  
Neville opened the door of the closet. Trelawney and Snape held their breath.  
"Aww, there are just old wrinkly clothes in here," said Neville disappointedly. Trelawney felt sorry for him. It was his birthday after all.  
"Here," she said, getting out her wand and making a cupboard appear on the opposite wall. She reached up and took out some tealeaves out of there and handed them to Neville.  
"OH, PROFESSOR!!! THANK YOU! I LOOOOOVE YOU!" screamed Neville, advancing toward her hastily and hugging her tightly.  
Snape, due to being locked in a closet, didn't hear anything except for what Neville screamed out. He was glad he wasn't gay, because then he'd be very jealous. He wondered if he should do something anyway. Remembering that Trelawney was his one true love, he decided to come out and fight Neville for her love.  
He pushed the door open and came out to see Neville hugging Trelawney lovingly. "Step away from her this instant, Longbottom!" he shouted.  
Neville turned around slowly. He took a look at Snape and shouted suddenly "OH MY GOD!! It's a boggart!!! And I don't have my wand with me!"  
Trelawney and Snape stared. Neville decided this was the perfect moment to run away, which he proceeded to do.  
"Well, that was weird." Snape said.  
"Well, that's what happens when people write fanfics just because they were dared to."  
  
The End  
  
Of something that never happened anyway. 


End file.
